Girls often envision their wedding day, growing up. The perfect dress, perfect man, the perfect life. Then you grow up. I always said that I would not get married before turning 25. Hey, by that age I figured I would be a grown woman in full knowledge of herself. I would have my dream career, car, and house. I would be the ideal independent woman. A man by my side would be the added bonus. Never thinking, “things” are only part of the equation to having a fulfilled and purposeful life. Now, I am almost 30 and still working out all the kinks and figuring it out. Life has a funny way of showing us what matters and who we really are.
As you begin to creep up in age, the noise and chatter grows louder from family and friends with these inevitable questions:
- When are you getting married?
- Why aren’t you seeing anyone?
- When are you going to have kids? You know you’re not getting any younger.
- I’ll get married when it’s my time and God sends him.
- I haven’t met the guy yet to bring home for interrogation, lol.
- I have godchildren and bonus nieces and nephews that will do just fine until I have a few of my own.
Let’s be real though, I have been guilty of letting the views and opinions of others guide my decisions in life and not following my own intuition. I have been the busy body who would rather keep her calendar full to not focus on on the feeling of being lonely. I am definitely guilty of focusing on my family, friends, and work more than putting in the effort to get out there and LIVE. Rejection, confusion and insecurity are real concerns. It’s kind of scary to leave the comfort of all that we know to delve into “what could be”.
Of course, there are times in this single journey where you desire companionship or just a “chill” buddy. Be careful. During those moments, you can become vulnerable and make unwise decisions. Guard your heart and mind. You don’t have to settle to be seen or remembered. If your goal is forever, don’t settle for “tonight”. It’s okay to demand standards for your behavior and interactions with the one you are interested in. If we set the pace now, we won’t falter before the finish line.
Often times I reflect on past relationships or acquaintances and wonder if I missed out on the “one” or me with my “unbothered” attitude missed out on a potential companion by playing hard to get. Yes, women sometimes we can miss something good by how we respond or present ourselves. Being “bad & bougie” isn’t always attractive. Have you ever stopped to consider what “worldly attitudes” we have taken on, that could be repelling the godly men we desire? I am always looking for ways to improve the way that I communicate with the opposite sex. Be it verbal or non-verbal. Perhaps I missed “ideal” moments in the past, but, my prayer is that I have not missed out on His divine will. Because in the end, that is all that really matters. I’m committed to being open to His prompting and less of my own desires.
I often thought or was told you needed to be “complete” before fully committing yourself to someone. I no longer believe that to be true. You don’t have to have it all “together” mentally, emotionally, or spiritually to be with someone. Striving for those things should be a personal goal. Being complete is not a requirement to be loved. My prayer is that even in my brokenness His love for me will transcend and heal those areas. I am reminded of the scripture coming from 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 (NIV):
“4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.8 Love never fails….”
God made you and knows exactly what you need and will provide just that in His perfect timing. Yes, there are times I have become discouraged or impatient wondering when it will be my time. That can be so dangerous because it can begin a catastrophic cycle. We often mess up when we try to rush through a season and force relationships that were never ordained for us. In turn, it can cause heartbreak, anger and trust issues that now the one who you are destined to be with has the challenge of breaking through. I don’t know about you, but that is not the way I want to begin my once in a lifetime love. Perspective is key when trying to determine how to best address our weak areas.
I’ll be honest, a majority of my close friends are married. That has been tough but but it has also been one of my greatest blessings. I am able to learn in such an intimate way that not everyone is afforded. It’s like having a court side seat without the astronomical price. Gleaning from them as they share their triumphs and pitfalls in their relationships has been encouraging and eye opening. During this time I am focusing on changing my mentality from defeat to opportunity and that has been monumental. Learning not to covet what isn’t meant for us out of season will ultimately help us to prepare for our unique cycle of seasons. That brings me to a preparation exercise you may find useful…
My best friend challenged me to write a list of what I want in a husband and what I bring to the table. Oh, sure! An easy task I thought at first but when I started, it proved to be more difficult. What do I want? Can I expect so much of someone else and only put forth half the effort? Being comfortable in this season of singleness doesn’t give you a pass to not self-improve. Use your time wisely to figure out what you want and that you are giving just as much or even more of what you’re asking of your future spouse.When your expectations don’t meet your reality, how will you respond? You can’t be naive and think that you deserve “it all” and have not met any of your own personal goals. We cannot ask more of our intended than we require of ourselves. Bring to the table what you want to receive. I challenge you to write your own list and then write a list of what you believe you bring to the table. Then give it to your accountability partner to see if they agree with your self-assessment. You’ll be surprised by what an un-biased person will add or subtract from your “I’ve got it going on” list, lol.
As I have grown in my acceptance and peace with where God has placed me, I’ve learned that being single is not a sickness, burden or shortcoming. It does not mean you are insignificant, unworthy or unattractive. There are no written rules or timeline to this. In my single season, I am enjoying life. Growing in grace, loving and discovering more of who I am. God promised to give us the desires of our heart. Until my time comes, I will stand on His word. After all, His promises are “yea and amen”.
Hi loves! I’m Jalena. Born & raised in the big city of Gainesville, FL. I’m a first time “blogger”. lol Traveling whether it be on a plane or short drive in a car is one of my favorite things to do. Life is too short not to take time out to enjoy it. My family and friends mean the world to me. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for them. I’m an organizer and planner. I’m a bit obsessive when putting events together. Details matter to me. No matter how big or small. Shoe shopping & Starbucks helps me to relax. I’m just a laid back girl, living a big city life in my small town.Thanks for hanging with me today!