Unfortunately, marriage does not come with a set of instructions. Neither does Motherhood and certainly not life after divorce. Therefore, many people tend to repeatedly ask “What is it like being a mother?” or “How does it feel to be a wife?” and of course the response varies drastically depending upon the individual. I would like to pose a question to those who are married: Prior to marriage, did you have any type of 1-1 conversation with someone who had experienced divorce? And for those who are single: Do you think it would be beneficial to your marriage if you had an understanding as to why some marriages fail?
Now, I can be certain that marriage is a beautiful covenant with God and your significant other. I get it, during the beginning stages of marriage no one wants to kill the vibe or all the love that is in the air, but I believe that these types of conversations prior to or during marriage is advantageous to a longer, healthier marriage. For some people the term divorce carries such a robust derogatory meaning. It tends to be a word that many people instantaneously cast down until he/she find themselves in the middle of a marriage and contemplating divorce. I strongly believe that prior to getting married, couples should hear how successful marriages work as well as what causes marriages to fail.
I am always reminded of Jesus and the conversations he had with the disciples. Upon choosing to follow Him, He explained all of those things that they (we) would possess in Him such as salvation, peace, love, joy and eternity. He goes on to explain those things that they (we) would face because of Him such as hate, sickness, pain and persecution. Jesus forewarned His people because He did not want them (us) to be blind to the enemy’s tricks and tactics. The Lord said, His people are destroyed for a lack of knowledge, Hosea 4:6. I believe this applies to marriage as well. So, I encourage anyone who is considering marriage to have a conversation with someone who has experienced divorce and allow them to share what went wrong and how they think those things could have been avoided. Think of it as a forewarning because marriage is a target for the enemy. He is come to steal, kill, and destroy. Do not base any decision solely on one glimpse of a picture. Remember marriage is meant to be for a lifetime!
Let me be honest, I did not do any of the above until my marriage was next on the enemies hit list. But, what the enemy intended for evil, God will use for good. It was during this life changing event that I fell on my knees and surrendered everything to the Lord. He showed himself to be faithful as He always does. Now, here I am face to face with life after divorce and I am learning so much. I was one of those women who did not know how to reach out for help. I did not feel comfortable talking to people about “me”. I did not want to be perceived as weak. I just wanted the whole situation to go away. These behaviors and emotions are real but they are not from God; especially when you are going through a difficult time in your life. No matter what you are facing, do not shut yourself in or down. This is exactly what the enemy is counting on, so that he can enter and set up camp. It took me some time to get to that place, but counseling services were the best thing that could have happened to me.
Life after divorce is a whole new world. There is absolutely too much to do and think about on your own. Now understand, it has nothing to do with your capability of figuring it. The truth is that every divorced woman carries a weight, specifically one that feels like you have to figure it all out at once. You are processing a million thoughts per minute. Think about it, it is almost impossible to make sound decisions in that state of mind. I needed someone to help me put things into perspective because you cannot always see clearly.
Understanding and embracing the need for help is so vital in the process of rebuilding. However, it requires that you seek the direction of Christ and who He would have you to share with. These relationships will become an integral part of your life, so it is imperative to use wisdom before connecting. You are in a vulnerable state and you need a strong friend to cover you. There were times when I could not pray for myself. There were times when I needed help finding the best way to make my budget work. Or, times when I just needed a little encouragement. These are all good reasons why you need someone in your corner. This was my first step towards creating a balanced life after divorce which helped me to embrace it and all that would follow.
That’s all the time we have today, but, I hope that you will join me again on July 17th to talk about my experience with motherhood and dating after divorce!
From one sister to another,
I’m LaQua. I left my mother’s house when I was sixteen. I met my daughters’ father when I was seventeen and was in a relationship at nineteen. I had my first child at the age of twenty-one and was married at the age of twenty-two. I went from being a child to being a married woman raising a child. Fast. Deep sigh. It still amazes me to this day, how I went from THERE TO HERE because I had no idea what I was doing. There are many things in life that I am now experiencing for the first time, e.g. raising children as a single mother, but I have come to understand that “figuring it out” does not have to be this frightening, stressful or “mission impossible” task. Whenever I get weary, I read Matthew 6:34, “Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficiency for the day is its own trouble.” Honestly, the ending is never what I expect it to be anyway, but when God is at work it’s always better than what I could have ever envisioned. And that is more than enough.