I’m so glad that you came back for the conclusion to our discussion! Now where were we?! Oh yes…
DIVORCE AND MOTHERHOOD
Now that I had come to a place of stability, I was able to be that stabilized rock for my girls. Children are observant and see the pieces that you try to hide. You have to be very careful what emotions you display in front of them. Depending upon the child, it is easy for them to pick up and carry those emotions as if they are the reason mommy is crying or feeling like they need to save mommy. I had to learn how to communicate with my girls in a way that they would understand. You want to prevent little wandering minds. My oldest daughter holds a lot inside, but she knows that she can always talk to God even when she doesn’t want to talk to mom. She knows He will be everything she needs Him to be. Although she has spiritual support, I have also learned that consistent verbalized reassurance eventually eliminates negative thoughts and feelings. I consistently provide this affirmation. There is power in words. There is also long term consequences and rewards that are contingent upon the things you pour into them. Therefore, I try my best to make it a habit to maintain an organized, calm, stabilized home.
As a mother, we have to take the necessary measures to produce healing for their innocent hearts and to consistently build them up and ensure that they feel unconditional love. Some years ago, I started making my children listen to motivation and inspiration videos on youTube as well as uplifting stories about how other children their ages also had parents who divorced. Mind you, I only allowed them to look and listen to stories with happy-endings. I have concluded that some of the best things you can do in order to help children cope with divorced parents is to never speak badly about the father; always lift the child up with positive words; pray for them and teach them how to pray; spend quality time; encourage open communication, and never separate them from their father no matter what. If you are a mother who is in school like I was, I explained to my girls why mommy cannot play as much or why we could not go to fun places as before. Interestingly, they both understood at the ages of three and seven. They would remind mommy to get off the phone and study. I explained to my daughters why mommy had to study daily and I explained the financial reward in the end. I created an image for them of what our life would be like after mommy finished school. They were super excited.
Time management is another important factor. Allocate a specified amount of time for a task. I also found it helpful to go to bed at a decent time so that you will have enough strength for the next day— to go work, run errands, cook, care for the kids and do homework without having to have an evening nap. Side note, raw cauliflower works much better than coffee. Now the amazing thing about God, is that whenever I went to bed on time, and made it a priority to wake up early to pray and meditate, my day is always recognizably better. I tend to get more done; almost as if He extends the hours in the day. I am not kidding. Try it.
And try to see the beauty of marriage and how God intended for it to be. Children need to see and understand this side as well. The last thing that any parent should want is for their children being against marriage because of all that mom and dad went through. We all know that there are some women who choose not to remarry and that is ok; however, I want to remarry. However, I am not in a rush because I would like to allow time for God to heal the deep wounds, but I really do look forward to companionship.
DIVORCED AND DATING
Being single is no harder than being married. The emotional roller coaster of loneliness, disappointments, peace, love, and joy can honestly be found in both seasons. In fact, I think singlehood is necessary in life alone because you need time to figure out who you are and where you want to be in the next ten years. Can I just say, it is tough trying to figure out life with someone who is also trying to figure out life, only to conclude that he really wants to be a rapper and she really wants to be an actress. Now, he feels like he need to move to ATL for the sake of exposure and she feels like her big break is in Hollywood. Well, there goes the marriage. It should not be that way. Allow yourselves time to be grow and think about your dreams and desires, so that you both can lay your plans on the table and decide if marriage is doable. Now, I cannot imagine growing old alone, but I cannot imagine being married to a babe in Christ (my preference). Since, I am raising two little ones, I determined that I would undergo two years of seclusion before dating, or longer, if that is what the Lord saw fit.
Let me just say that not all women are called to a specific amount of time to be “set apart”, however, it is imperative that you take the time to get to know YOU. You have to have time to address those hurt areas, vulnerable spots, destructive habits and dormant qualities that reside in your innermost heart. You have to grow from your former place and it is difficult to do that if you immediately take up another relationship.
As for as my girls, I have no intentions of introducing a male friend to them until 1 1/2 years after having known this person. I would like to refer to this part of my life as the getting-to- know-each- other stage. This way I can determine if this person has potential to be the one or if he will always be “just a friend”. This will also help figure out the proper title to give him when being introduced to your family. My reason for handling men in this fashion, is simply because I do not think men should be popping in and out of children’s lives. That is seed that I would caution you to not plant in your child. It’s long term effects can be deadly.
At the end of the day, relationships, statuses, careers, even life itself is temporary. So, embrace and enjoy every moment—the good and the bad. Look for the lessons in every season. The Lord usually speaks to us in these seasons, but you will not hear His voice if there are too many temporary distractions. During these times, I would journal. It was my way of release on those days when I was stressed, wearisome or broken. I would write my concerns down and then write about how God worked it all out. From time to time, I would read my testimonies and gain strength to push forward and renew my confidence that He will provide. Now I look forward to sharing pieces from my journal with others. My prayer is that they will gain the same strength and confidence during their storms.
And six years later, I am sharing pieces with you. My dear sisters, you do not have to have it all figured out nor do you have to figure it out on your own. It is preposterous to think that you should. I encourage you to continue to make plans and set goals even after seeing your previous set of plans and goals seemingly shatter to pieces. It is not over for you, but it is important to have a sense of direction. Let our Father help you determine the proper path and you will never regret it!
With sisterly love,
LaQua
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